Thousand teals of gold
From now to our taiwan trip is less than 20 days already. LESS THAN 20 DAYS! And, we don't have the script yet!
I am really very very very ultra frustrated and helpless. No words can describe what I feeling now. Nobody can feel what I am feeling. I really dunno what the hell we are doing. Let me tell u all lor, WE HAVE NOT START TO REHEARSE YET.
Can u believe that? Even for a local show, we would have almost finished our rehearsals now and yet for a big assignment like this, I still have no idea where the script is. I kept recieving false information that the script is coming out but till now, NOTHING.
Please... Tell me what to do!
I can't back out now. HXY will kill me lor.Actually even if I back out now, it doesnt make a difference as I have not learnt my role yet, anyone else can take over me. Haiz.. i really wish to ask CBX to act for me. The stress is too much for me to take. I have nightmares and the first thing I think of every morning I wake up is my script.
The bloody script which I only have page 1.
AC, Amai and XJ, I know u are all going to watch me with your eyes wide open and gasp when you all see me forget lines.. or forget movement... or stone there... etc.. but tell u all lor, I got no choice. I want to do my very best but everything is not in my control. I am not a professional actress. I have got a job, I have got other commitments. I cannot spend 24/7 on acting. Even if I don't have a job, I can spend all the remaining time to practice, please remember, I am not pro. I am only amateur. I only really learn GZX for 2 years plus. Such a challenge for me is too great to bear.
I really very fan.
My role in the modern show is very heavy. It is heavier than the male lead and it is very very difficult to act. I am very sure I wont be able to do it.
Not that I everyday want to KP this taiwan trip but it is all that in my mind now. I got nothing else to blog except this. In fact, I didn not blog these few days becuz I was in a very very bad mood.
the gu zhuang show is slightly better as they are using HXY script and they are so bloody familiar with the show. Now, they are rehearsing everyday but us, the modern show one, cant rehearse. Cuz we got nothing yet. No script no music... At least for the guzhuang one, they already got the music for the whole show.
I am very stress. I think my hair is starting to fall out. Dark circles become darker. I can't concentrate on my work. Everyday, I give a black face. Today May told me that I black face the whole day. I fa dai all the time... I like to gossip but now I only fa dai when the others gossip.
When I am alone, I feel like crying lor but I can't do it openly. I dun want my parents to know if not they will make a din over it. A few times today. I want to cry but I blink back my tears and look away. I dun want the others to see. None of my friends have seen me in despair before, at most they only see me kp. I dun want to show ppl I am weak.
I am very 'hao sheng'. I dun want to lose. Even if i cant do 100%, I at least want a 75%, an A1. I dun want other ppl to see me when I am weak and helpless. I want ppl to see when I am happy and strong but I am very tired of this.
Whenever I think about the show, my heart skip a beat, like a heart attack. I am not being kua zhang. I hope I will suddenly fall sick or I will break a leg, so that I dun need to go anymore.
I dunno if I will ki siao or not.. maybe ki siao also good la.. I dun need to act. For the past few days, I went to COI almost everyday, except for tuesday. But everytime I go there, I do nothing. I sit around, watch them rehearse nie xiao qian.
These few days, I kept kana scolded. I dunno why. What is my fault???????
I tried my best to learn and yet I kana scolded. Not that I tian tian, I diao er lang dang or i slack. I already did my best, no one tell me try harder next time, only tell me how sucky I am. If u think I am lousy then too bad lor. I can only say, I dun have potential. I should quit.
All my hard work lead me to these. Years of hard work brought me humiliation and ridicule. I dunno why the hell I must torture myself like this. Please be fair to me. I am only human. I am not some superwoman.
I am stupid la, I don't have potential la, I am lousy, I suck, I am a total idiot in opera. I admit lor. So please stop kp to me that I sing badly, I act badly, I suck.. cuz i already know. I already know I am just an opera idiot. I not suited to do opera lor. It was a mistake to let me take up such big roles. It is a mistake to send me to taiwan. I cant make it one la.
go ahead, luff at me .. luff at this stupid idiot who cant sing and cant act and yet was picked to go taiwan, picked to do heavy roles. Dun pin hopes on me, dun think that I am the new generation for GZX, the new generation to pass on GZX to the next generation. PPl do tell me before that I am the next generation for GZX. I should be happy and that I can make it one. I seriously doubt it. I am just idiot wat. How can idiots do anything well?
I flop again and again and again.....
Forever performing and forever flopping.
never do I feel good about my show. NEVER.
I dunno if this is a bottomless pit of misery but it has been a long long time since I last saw a rainbow. All I ever see is darkness and more darkness. No rainbows. No hope.. hopeless.
Hopelessly hoping that one day I can make it.
I think I am just dreaming lor. I should wake up. Should know long ago that it is just a dream. Its not real and its time to wake up. Continue to hope hopelessly will not bring me anywhere. Yah, maybe bring me to hell, bring me deeper into the bottomless pit. I am further and further away from the rainbow.
Fan.
Fan till I can't breathe.
I once told myself if opera brought me more misery than joy, then it will be the time for me to quit. I felt that the time is coming near.
I am really very very very ultra frustrated and helpless. No words can describe what I feeling now. Nobody can feel what I am feeling. I really dunno what the hell we are doing. Let me tell u all lor, WE HAVE NOT START TO REHEARSE YET.
Can u believe that? Even for a local show, we would have almost finished our rehearsals now and yet for a big assignment like this, I still have no idea where the script is. I kept recieving false information that the script is coming out but till now, NOTHING.
Please... Tell me what to do!
I can't back out now. HXY will kill me lor.Actually even if I back out now, it doesnt make a difference as I have not learnt my role yet, anyone else can take over me. Haiz.. i really wish to ask CBX to act for me. The stress is too much for me to take. I have nightmares and the first thing I think of every morning I wake up is my script.
The bloody script which I only have page 1.
AC, Amai and XJ, I know u are all going to watch me with your eyes wide open and gasp when you all see me forget lines.. or forget movement... or stone there... etc.. but tell u all lor, I got no choice. I want to do my very best but everything is not in my control. I am not a professional actress. I have got a job, I have got other commitments. I cannot spend 24/7 on acting. Even if I don't have a job, I can spend all the remaining time to practice, please remember, I am not pro. I am only amateur. I only really learn GZX for 2 years plus. Such a challenge for me is too great to bear.
I really very fan.
My role in the modern show is very heavy. It is heavier than the male lead and it is very very difficult to act. I am very sure I wont be able to do it.
Not that I everyday want to KP this taiwan trip but it is all that in my mind now. I got nothing else to blog except this. In fact, I didn not blog these few days becuz I was in a very very bad mood.
the gu zhuang show is slightly better as they are using HXY script and they are so bloody familiar with the show. Now, they are rehearsing everyday but us, the modern show one, cant rehearse. Cuz we got nothing yet. No script no music... At least for the guzhuang one, they already got the music for the whole show.
I am very stress. I think my hair is starting to fall out. Dark circles become darker. I can't concentrate on my work. Everyday, I give a black face. Today May told me that I black face the whole day. I fa dai all the time... I like to gossip but now I only fa dai when the others gossip.
When I am alone, I feel like crying lor but I can't do it openly. I dun want my parents to know if not they will make a din over it. A few times today. I want to cry but I blink back my tears and look away. I dun want the others to see. None of my friends have seen me in despair before, at most they only see me kp. I dun want to show ppl I am weak.
I am very 'hao sheng'. I dun want to lose. Even if i cant do 100%, I at least want a 75%, an A1. I dun want other ppl to see me when I am weak and helpless. I want ppl to see when I am happy and strong but I am very tired of this.
Whenever I think about the show, my heart skip a beat, like a heart attack. I am not being kua zhang. I hope I will suddenly fall sick or I will break a leg, so that I dun need to go anymore.
I dunno if I will ki siao or not.. maybe ki siao also good la.. I dun need to act. For the past few days, I went to COI almost everyday, except for tuesday. But everytime I go there, I do nothing. I sit around, watch them rehearse nie xiao qian.
These few days, I kept kana scolded. I dunno why. What is my fault???????
I tried my best to learn and yet I kana scolded. Not that I tian tian, I diao er lang dang or i slack. I already did my best, no one tell me try harder next time, only tell me how sucky I am. If u think I am lousy then too bad lor. I can only say, I dun have potential. I should quit.
All my hard work lead me to these. Years of hard work brought me humiliation and ridicule. I dunno why the hell I must torture myself like this. Please be fair to me. I am only human. I am not some superwoman.
I am stupid la, I don't have potential la, I am lousy, I suck, I am a total idiot in opera. I admit lor. So please stop kp to me that I sing badly, I act badly, I suck.. cuz i already know. I already know I am just an opera idiot. I not suited to do opera lor. It was a mistake to let me take up such big roles. It is a mistake to send me to taiwan. I cant make it one la.
go ahead, luff at me .. luff at this stupid idiot who cant sing and cant act and yet was picked to go taiwan, picked to do heavy roles. Dun pin hopes on me, dun think that I am the new generation for GZX, the new generation to pass on GZX to the next generation. PPl do tell me before that I am the next generation for GZX. I should be happy and that I can make it one. I seriously doubt it. I am just idiot wat. How can idiots do anything well?
I flop again and again and again.....
Forever performing and forever flopping.
never do I feel good about my show. NEVER.
I dunno if this is a bottomless pit of misery but it has been a long long time since I last saw a rainbow. All I ever see is darkness and more darkness. No rainbows. No hope.. hopeless.
Hopelessly hoping that one day I can make it.
I think I am just dreaming lor. I should wake up. Should know long ago that it is just a dream. Its not real and its time to wake up. Continue to hope hopelessly will not bring me anywhere. Yah, maybe bring me to hell, bring me deeper into the bottomless pit. I am further and further away from the rainbow.
Fan.
Fan till I can't breathe.
I once told myself if opera brought me more misery than joy, then it will be the time for me to quit. I felt that the time is coming near.
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Comments
We are given various roles to carry out. The process is the most difficult to handle.
KH's notebook suddenly crashed yesterday morning, all details were lost including the latest amended translation. That's y last nite's translation did not match our lines. Well that means me and my translation committee members gonna have more work to do. N usually would be demanded to complete in the shortest possible time.
COI is "known" for its last-minute arrangements and preparations. For the teachers there, they are full-time staff plus professionals from China. Of course they can handle with little effort.
In a way, you are indeed in a very unfair situation. From what I know, the script is written by locals, the music composed by china artiste and will be directed by non-local. In a way, you do have professional help which is in a much favourable situation than us. Our script rewrote and rearranged by locals, lighting by wmy, scenography and stage backdrops by xw and kh members, costumes designed by karen, funds n logistics and hairpcs cum costumes ordering by XJ n her members. Photography n videotaking n cooking n many others by other KH members. It isn't easy because many of us are working also and some of us nearly freaked out with stress. Especially when it comes to the execution of directing and acting thingy, we can't be compared to the pros because we are only amatuers. I think there will still be audience out there shaking heads at us. Yet we have a mission to complete, we can't give up but to persevere on.
MK, I know you are in a very difficult situation. Please don't cry and please don't give up. Thou I ever felt that I would just vanish from the opera world, my passion at the moment is still bugging me to continue.
Maybe you can try to go to your Teacher Hong and ask for advice. I believe she will support you throughout the whole process.
Wish you the best.
If we still go to taiwan, I want to flop and show all the taiwanese how lousy our school is, how lousy the director and teacher is. I want to disgrace them. They deserve it.
At least u all got things to do lor. I want to do things also cannot cuz i dunno anything about the show. I dunno wat i can do to prepare.
I will not give up opera but i will give up GZX if i cant take it. I will go find some other kinds of opera to take up.
that is true but whats the use of the 'next' time if everytime we were not taught properly? no use lor.
U dont be too stressed la.. at least in terms of music u all got zhuang expert to do ~ that is very plus point.
and pls lor, dont sound as if we will go there and stare at ur acting or laugh at you la.
We wont la, cos we r equally like sai. We may seem well prepared to to oustiders. but true fact is all of us got lots of things to do, and as a result, we virtually no time to practise.
Picture this: today acting at 730pm, ac got to work can only come at 630pm. wmy rushed back after yday de shw to continue her study for next week de exam. notebook crashed and i got to run home take my laptop, mx team have to redo some sub-titles cos all stored in hard disk...
honestly all of know we sure go there throw face de. but fixed le die die also got to go.. worry like hell also pointless cos its only bad for health.
Dont curse urself sick or leg broken etc la, ur parents would be sad, and ur friends wont like to see u this way de k.
Just do ur bestand no one can fault u de k.